in all this chaos we found safety

FUCK YOU CANCER, FUCK YOU!

(via gianinaann)

it's 3:00am and i cant sleep

the more time i spend in colorado, the more i dwell on the fact that i hate that my aunt biddy is dead.

i hear all of these crazy stories and wonderful memories with her in them from my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. it totally bums me out that i wasnt there for so many of them. everyone says how much she loved boulder and how excited she would be that i was there and that she’d make it a point to visit me often. well, she cant and that makes me so angry. yes i’m sad, but right now i feel more angry than anything.

i’m angry i miss out on all of these crazy memories. that i couldnt form any traditions with her. that we had very little one on one time. that i never got to see her reaction when i would have told her i got into CU. that she was never able to see my dorm room and meet my friends. i’m pissed that i never got to participate in the race for the cure with her. that we werent able to fly her out to chicago last may so she could walk in the survivor lap at relay for life. i wish so badly that i could have formed the adult bond with her that i’m forming with the rest of my family. that i never had the chance to spend a weekend at her house. that we cant cook any more dinners and bake any more cakes together.

i HATE that she’s not here. i hate it so much. i dont want to, but i cant help but resent my cousins for all the time they had with her. i want her to be able to tell me she loves me and that she’s proud of me. i want to hug her and hear her perfect laugh again. i want to sneeze the moment i walk into her apartment because of her damn cats. i want her back. she shouldn’t have had to leave, not yet, we weren’t ready for it. it’s not fair that the happy ones, and the ones that truly love life have to be the ones to go before they should.

i got to hold a bag of her ashes the other day and that’s the closest i’ll ever be to her again. i can’t stand that. i dont want to be able to hold my dead aunts ashes in my hand, i want to hold her healthy, cancer-free body in my arms. i want her here and i want her healthy. this isn’t fair, help.

to anyone who’s ever lost someone they loved, i am truly sorry. it really sucks, especially when that person’s life was cut so short. it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry and sad at the same time. it’s okay to regret things you did or didnt do with them, but just know that you can’t change that, you can only change the future. it’s okay to cry, trust me i do it on pretty much a daily basis, and it’s okay to feel pain. don’t be afraid to let others know how you’re feeling and don’t be afraid to let them comfort you. they’re most likely your friends and/or family and that’s what they’re there for. never be afraid of your emotions, good or bad, happy or sad, content or mad; they’re for a reason, to be expressed. don’t be afraid to do it.

chimbleysweep:

ashleyxbaby:

What was the last drink you had?
water

What is bothering you right now?
the fact that i’m not at home right now

Last place you went out to eat?
chipotle

When was the last time you were truly, completely happy with your life?
last friday - wednesday

Does anyone know your password besides you?
no

Do you look at the keyboard when you type?
sometimes

Did you have a good day yesterday?
eh

What is your current mood?
bummed

How’s your heart lately?
it was great until saturday

Will this weekend be a good one?
i hope so. i’m supposed to be going back to denver to celebrate my cousins sophie, annie, maggie and my birthdays at dave and busters with my aunt molly.

Who hugged you last?
my little cousin miko

What is your relationship status?
single

Look behind you, what do you see?
a wall

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what?
chipotle

Do you eat junk food everyday?
almost everyday

How’s your life lately?
pretty damn good

Do you miss anyone?
OH MY GOD YES

Is there one place you’d like to visit?
home

Have you held hands with anyone this week?
yes

If the last person you kissed, saw you kissing someone else, would they be upset?
no, the last person i kissed is 2

If you saw the last person you kissed, kissing someone else, would you be upset?
no 

When is the last time you kissed someone?
thursday

Was last night terrible?
not at all

Do you know anyone who does or used to do cocaine?
yes

Ever gone skinny dipping?
more like chunky dunking for me